Death by Pigwidgeon
by someone444
Summary: 100% crack. Everyone dies.


Draco's beloved owl squeaks at him.

"Owl, why are you behaving like this?" he asks sharply.

The owl meows and flies in front of the train to Hogwarts.

Draco's eyes widen and he runs in front of the train. "Wait, Owl! Don't leave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Then the train's whistle blows, the train moves forward, and he dies.

* * *

Mr. Malfoy screams. "Quick, someone do something!" they screech. Then they write a letter.

 _Dear Ministry of Magic,_

 _my son got run over by a train._

 _from:_

 _sir Malfoy_

Mr. Malfoy narrows their eyes. "Quick, someone deliver this!"

No one is listening to them.

He snatches an owl from someone and ties the paper to its legs with a noodle.

"Go!" he commands bravely, wiping tears from his eyes.

* * *

People scream and run all over the place.

People shriek for help, but no one appears to clean up their train rail.

"No!" one person screams. "They ruined the train tracks! Someone will have to clean this up!"

Random person turns to a crying man named Mr. Malfoy. "Go clean it up!"

"I'll tell myself about this!" he yells.

* * *

"Where's Malfoy?" Harry wonders.

"Yeah, he usually comes to taunt us by now," Hermione says.

Ron rushes into their compartment. "Malfoy got run over! By the train!"

Harry faints.

"You're such an idiot, Ron," Ginny says.

* * *

An owl flies through the window, getting glass on the conductor.

The conductor reads the letter.

 _Hello Mr. Conductor, sir,_

 _You killed my son! So, I shall sue you. You are about to lose your job. You must pay me 1,000,000 galleons by tomorrow._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Mr. Malfoy_

The conductor looks at the letter and pulls a bag out of his pocket.

"Good thing I have 1,000,000 galleons in an infinite storage bag," he muses.

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO GINNY'S POTIONS CLASS_

Everybody is laughing hysterically, for Ginny had spilled her potion on Snape's Pusheen, turning it into an alive Pusheen.

Pusheen runs away, screaming "I hate Snape!"

Snape runs after it, screeching "I love you, adorable Pusheen!"

Pusheen screams again. "I hate you!"

Everyone leaves without Snape, 20 minutes early.

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO DINNER_

Ron says, "Can you believe what Ginny did?"

Ginny says, "It was an accident, you meanie!"

Dumbledore says, "I need attention from everyone!"

Dumbledore talks about the Triwizard Tournament. "You have to be 17 to join! And the Goblet of Fire here is going to choose the participants!" he finishes.

They wolf down their dinners as quickly as they can.

"Too bad we can't join the tournament," Ron says. "We're only 7 years old."

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO BEDTIME_

Ron is snoring so loudly that no one can sleep except for Harry and Ron.

Harry's dream is about being baked into a cupcake and then being eaten into a cupcake by Malfoy, even though Malfoy is dead.

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO BREAKFAST_

A house elf accidentally cooked poison into Goyle's breakfast, and Goyle dies when he eats it.

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO WHEN THEY ANNOUNCE THE CHAMPIONS_

Dumbledore says, "The champions are Harry Potter, Harry Potter, and Harry Potter. How odd. He is not even old enough and he appears three times!"

But then, another piece of paper came out of the Goblet.

"Pusheen!"

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO THE DRAGONS_

Pusheen just turns into a cat unicorn and shields herself from the Hungarian Horntail.

She pushes the egg with her unicorn horn to the other end of the field with no cuts or bruises. She is completely safe.

Harry Potter gets burned by the fire many times, gets lots of scratches and bruises, and falls off his broomstick because he got pushed off by the dragon.

...But at least he got the egg to the other side of the field.

Pusheen is untouched and very healthy, although she always eats junk food. She is wearing a party hat that reads "I RULEZ" in neon pink letters.

Pusheen opens the golden egg and knows immediately what she is facing at the second task.

Ginny asks what the second task is.

Pusheen says, "I'll never tell you! You won't even know at the second task!"

Meanwhile, Hermione teaches Harry the Killing Curse, Avada Kedrava.

While trying it out against a wall, Crabbe walks in front of him and dies.

Nobody knows.

* * *

 _TIME SKIP TO CHRISTMAS_

Hermione gives Dobby a huge box of lots of mismatched socks for Christmas.

Ron gives him all of his Christmas sweaters.

Ginny gives Dobby her old dress.

Harry gives him purple socks with yellow stripes.

Dobby gives them all blue socks that have imprints of purple unicorns on them.

Harry got nothing for Christmas except for the socks from Dobby and a new pair of glasses from Snape. (They have the wrong prescription!)

Also, he gets a book titled Magical Creatures from Hermione. He opens it to find multiple pictures of Pusheen. The table of contents is a list of things like "Cute Pusheen," "Unicorn Pusheen," and "Pokemon Pusheen."

He also gets a brand new clock from Ron. (The next day he found that it sings at him at 7:00 A.M.)

Pusheen then comes storming into Harry's room screaming, "Pusheens are the new owl, get one now! I can turn into a unicorn and float to my destination!"

Ron says to Pusheen, "I wish I could replace Pigwidgeon with a Pusheen."

But then, Pigwidgeon blows up Hogwarts.

Everybody dies.

THE END

 **A/N: i love pusheen sooooooooo much omg so adorable! (; (: (: (: (:**


End file.
